Shitlist Vol. 5

Finally back. Sorry I’ve been absent for a bit. Between dealing with finals, getting fired twice in two days (a new record!), and money-grubbing whores, I’ve had my hands tied. But anyways, enough about me. How are you? Fuck it. Enough of the sob stories. Let’s get this shit-kicker back in order, shall we? Here’s a list of stuff that’s pissing me and Jon off musically. Remember, feel free to leave suggestions for the next list, comments and death threats in the comments section. Here we go:

– Green Day is in the studio again and getting ready to excite all those who hate real music. The band has announced that they are recording a trilogy of albums to be released from September to January of next year. Get ready to expect these drama queens’ version of the Lord of the Rings/Star Wars trilogy, complete with old dudes wearing eye-liner and still trying to be relevant.

– The Lollapalooza line-up looks a lot better than I expected, but Perry Farrell is higher than a fucking kite for listing the Red Hot Chili Peppers and the Black Keys higher on the bill than Black fucking Sabbath. Don’t get me wrong, I dig the Black Keys (as if that hasn’t already been established), but they’re not as legendary as Sabbath. That and the Red Hot Chili Peppers fucking blow.

– Hinder has a song out called “Get Stoned.” Makes me want to go straight-edge now.

– While I’ll give props to Kings of Leon (which past-2008, isn’t something I’d think I’d do again) for signing Turbo Fruits to their new label, what the fuck is this shit they’re also touting called the Weeks? Gross. It’s like Kings of Leon found a shittier version of themselves and decided to try to repeat history. Hey Caleb, lightning doesn’t strike in the same place twice.

– Remember how the dudes at Third Man had a liquid filled record for sale on Record Store Day? Well, they did and apparently some of them broke in the store. Well, Wayne Coyne was just at Third Man this past weekend and he is now releasing a blood filled vinyl (yeah, human BLOOD) with all of the artists from their new compilation Heady Fwends, which mean Ke$ha’s blood is somewhere in there. This also means that if you buy one (for a measly $2500) and it decides to break….. well, you better get tested for Hep C.

– These girls are trying to give Rebecca Black a run for her money.

 

– Former Radio One DJ Tony Blackburn called Rihanna a more talented musician than the Beatles or the Stones. His reason was because “she can dance and sing and play instruments” while the Beatles and the Stones just stood there and sang and played guitars.” Yeah, dude. Rihanna sings shit songs (that have more writers than every TV show combined), dances like she’s gone full retard and can play a power chord on the guitar, while the Beatles and Stones just played their guitars and sang songs they wrote THAT TRANSCEND GENERATIONS. Take your meds, take your teeth out and go back to bed, old man.

– While we’re on the subject of Rihanna, Time Magazine listed her as one of their most influential people of 2012. Ignoring the fact that she makes some of the most annoying shit music I’ve heard in a while, is it really a good idea to say a bitch who ran back to her bitch-slapping ex-boyfriend is a role model? Shit, if that’s the case, Casey Anthony is a shoe-in for mother of the year in 2013.

-Saw the worst band I’ve ever seen a few weeks ago called Porcelain Child. I’m not even sure if I want to try and describe them to you. Remember nu-metal? That’s as descriptive as I’m getting. Its a bad sign when half of your band name is almost a reference for the place you put your poops. There’s gotta be a better joke for that, come up with it yourselves, damnit.

– Country singer Eric Church (heard of him? me neither) had a chat with the brilliant minds at Rolling Stone recently where he claimed that all of the rock music being made today is 90% pussy-shit. Although I admire his use of contractions, he’s obviously an inbred moron. I’m not even gonna try and come up with something slick and mean to say about this guy. He plays modern country music, which in the grand scheme of things is almost as bad as dubstep. He will answer to the rock gods some day, and they will surely sodomize him for eternity (they’re into that, only for punishment, never for pleasure).

– I have a new pet peeve. Bands who enter contests and then spam the fuck out of you for a vote. Listen man, if your band was good, you wouldn’t need to enter a contest. Also, if you were actually creative, you’d be putting out music on the internet rather than emails and tweets begging for votes. I bring this up because Nashville Cream has this lovely little contest where you can vote for the “band of the week”. One of the bands up for the running this week is notorious for this kinda shit, so I called em out, stating that their social media skills vastly outweighed their ability to make interesting music (you have no idea how accurate this is). Two days later, I was receiving death threats via the Cream comment section from this band’s ‘devoted’ fans. Yep, they used those social media skills to wage an all out troll-a-thon on me. In case you’re wondering, this band is called Static Revival. Look them up and tell them how bad they are. They’ve just been shitlisted for life.  Jam kids. God, they are stupid.

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