Jordan Canio’s Imperfect, but Essential Guide to Three Major Music Festivals

Well, here we are. Due to summer classes, a real lack of funds and my ever-present urge to not be around a bunch of fucktards, it looks like I won’t be attending any festivals this year. Lollapalooza sold out too quick, Bonnaroo is during school and Austin City Limits is too far away. I know, I’m bummed for me too. However, while I can’t be there in person to drink overpriced beers, make fun of hipsters or chuck things at Postal Service or Mumford and Sons as they play sets that I’m sure will be the equivalence to audio rape, I can give those with more funds and a higher tolerance for that shit a guide on who to see, who to skip and who to straight tell to fuck off. With that in mind, I’ve taken the liberty of taking all three line ups of Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, and Austin City Limits and given you the dos and don’t of every line-up. I’m not gonna give every band comments, but here’s what I’ll do: bands that are crossed out, avoid like that chick at the party who’s trying to latch onto you but you’re sure she has the clap or something; bands that aren’t crossed out are probably either really hit or miss or I just don’t view them as essential viewing. Some of these I have no idea about so if they do suck and I forgot to cross them out, lemme know; bands in bold are a must. Without further ado, check this shit out. If you want me to run through any other festival line-ups, let me know.

Bonnaroo

Line-Up Grade: B+

• Paul McCartney

Mumford & Sons

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

• Björk

• Wilco

Pretty Lights

R. Kelly

• Wu-Tang Clan

• Daniel Tosh

• The National

The Lumineers

• David Byrne & St. Vincent

Passion Pit

The xx

• Kendrick Lamar

Grizzly Bear

Animal Collective

• Of Monsters and Men

• Nas

ZZ Top

Beach House

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Fuck this guy

Cat Power

Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes aka nap time

A$AP Rocky

• Jim James

“Weird Al” Yankovic – unless you’re 5 and still think this shit isn’t tired already

Tame Impala

Superjams:

Soul SuperJam featuring Jim James with John Oates, Zigaboo Modeliste (of The Meters) and Preservation Hall Jazz Band or as I like to call them “leave now while there isn’t a lot of people trying to”

• Ed Helms Bluegrass Situation Superjam with special guests

Boys Noize

• Glen Hansard

• Gov’t Mule

• Gaslight Anthem

Portugal. The Man

• Wolfgang Gartner

• Billy Idol

• Sam Bush & Del McCoury

• Dwight Yoakam

• Foals

• Porter Robinson

Local Natives

Matt & Kim

Dirty Projectors

• Trombone Shorty

• John McLaughlin and the 4th Dimension

• Noam Pikelny & Friends

• Amadou & Mariam

Alt-J

Father John Misty

• Baroness

The Tallest Man On Earth

• Walk the Moon

• Preservation Hall Jazz Band

• A-Trak

• The Vaccines

Earl Sweatshirt

• Paper Diamond

• Holy Ghost!

• Divine Fits

• Mike Birbiglia

• Purity Ring

Swans

• Frank Turner

• Big K.R.I.T.

• Allen Stone

Cults

• Lee Fields & The Expressions

• Fatoumata Diawara

• Two Gallants

• The Sheepdogs

• Four Tet

• Calexico

Japandroids

• Death Grips

• Conspirator

Wild Nothing

• AraabMUZIK

• John Fullbright

Django Django – they can fuck off fuck off

• Haim

• Killer Mike

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti

• Action Bronson

• Clockwork

• twenty | one | pilots

• Reptar

• DIIV

• Milo Greene

Lord Huron

• Futurebirds

• Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit

• Charli XCX

JEFF the Brotherhood

• Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

• Sea Wolf

• JD McPherson

• Trixie Whitley

• Deap Vally

• Patrick Watson

• Nicki Bluhm & the Gramblers

• The Stepkids

• Aoife O’Donovan

Bombino

• Bernhoft

• Matthew E. White

Lollapalooza

Line-Up Grade: C

FRIDAY

The Killers

Nine Inch Nails

New Order

Queens of the Stone Age

Steve Aoki

Thievery Corporation

Lana Del Rey

Flux Pavilion

Band of Horses

Hot Chip

Crystal Castles

Imagine Dragons – never heard a note of their music, but with a name like that, my expectations are already too low.

Frightened Rabbit – see above

Dillon Francis

Smith Westerns

Disclosure

Father John Misty

Ghost B.C.

Modestep

Emeli Sande

Jessie Ware

Atlas Genius

Timeflies

Theophilus London

Monsta

IO Echo

Icona Pop

Chance the Rapper

Lance Herbstrong

Robert DeLong

Deap Vally

Twenty One Pilots

San Cisco

Hey Marseilles

Keys N Krates

The Neighborhood

Pacific Air

American Authors

Houndmouth

Brick and Mortar

D-Pryde

Brite Lite Brite

SATURDAY

Mumford & Sons

The Postal Service

The National

The Lumineers

Kendrick Lamar

Eric Church

Steve Angello

Ellie Goulding

Azealia Banks – editors note: fuck this bitch

Local Natives

Dada Life

Matt & Kim  DORKS

Foals

Death Grips

Court Yard Hounds

Adventure Club

Ben Howard

GriZ

Charles Bradley

Heartless Bastards

Baauer

Haim

Unknown Mortal Orchestra

St. Lucia

Shovels & Rope

Little Green Cars Who seriously names their band this?

Family of the Year

360

The Bright Light Social Hour

Reignwolf

Pujol

Planet Hemp – once again, no idea who this band is but when was the last time a band had a direct reference to weed in their name sounded any good?

Cole Plante

Lukas Nelson & P.O.T.R.

Blondfire

Frontier Ruckus

Wheeler Brothers

The Dunwells

Supreme Cuts

Cherub

Wild Cub

Brooke Waggoner

Beast Patrol

SUNDAY

The Cure

Phoenix

Vampire Weekend

Knife Party

Grizzly Bear

Major Lazer

Dog Blood

Two Door Cinema Club

Tegan and Sara

Beach House

Cat Power

2 Chainz

Alt-J

The Vaccines

DIIV

Alex Clare

Baroness

Lianne La Havas

Wild Nothing

Angel Haze

Wavves

Alvin Risk

Jake Bugg

Wild Belle

Art Department

MS MR

Guards

Kill the Noise

Skaters

The Orwells

Palma Violets

Astro

Machines Are People Too

Yawn

Half Moon Run

The Mowgli’s

Wake Owl

Bear Mountain

O’ Brother

Makeshift Prodigy

Austin City Limits

Line Up Grade: B

Depeche Mode

The Cure

MUSE

Kings of Leon

Atoms For Peace

Lionel Richie

Phoenix

Wilco

Vampire Weekend

The National

Eric Church

Passion Pit

Arctic Monkeys

Queens Of The Stone Age

fun.

Kendrick Lamar

Franz Ferdinand

D’Angelo

Kaskade

Tame Impala

Local Natives

The Shouting Matches

Toro Y Moi

Grimes

Portugal. The Man

Silversun Pickups

The Joy Formidable

Neko Case

Divine Fits

Grouplove

Jimmy Eat World (who the fuck keeps listening to this band?)

The Black Angels

The Bright Light Social Hour

The Mavericks

Okkervil River

Shuggie Otis

Purity Ring

Dawes

HAIM

Smith Westerns

Junip

WALK THE MOON

Vintage Trouble

Noah and the Whale

Paper Diamond

Lissie

Pinback

The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion

Wild Belle

Phosphorescent

Court Yard Hounds

Thao & the Get Down Stay Down

Foxygen

Little Green Cars

Savages

Autre Ne Veut

Parquet Courts

FIDLAR

White Denim

True Believers

The Blind Boys of Alabama

Delta Rae

Jake Bugg

The Lone Bellow

Electric Guest

Dan Croll

Deap Vally

Wild Nothing

————–At that this point, I’m really outta my league so proceed at your own risk——————

Typhoon

Hundred Waters

Twin Forks

Red Baraat

Electric Six

Shovels & Rope

Reignwolf

Mona

MS MR

Widowspeak

Asleep at the Wheel

Bear Mountain

Greensky Bluegrass

JD Mcpherson

Valerie June

Wild Feathers

Roadkill Ghost Choir

JC Brooks and the Uptown Sound

Desert Noises

The Band Of Heathens

Holly Williams

Alanna Royale

Cherub

The Dynamites feat. Charles Walker

Shinyribs

Jacuzzi Boys

Wick-it The Instigator

Shakey Graves

Houndmouth

Wild Cub

Peterson Brothers Band

Luella and the Sun

X Ambassadors

Sons Of Fathers

Courrier

My Jerusalem

Not In The Face

Dana Falconberry

Bobby Jealousy

Whiskey Shivers

The Preservation

Max Frost

Latasha Lee & The BlackTies

CALEB

Shannon LaBrie

Andrew Duhon

Kristin Diable & The City

Colin Lake

Brooke Waggoner

Tyree Morris & Hearts of Worship

Endurance

The Stapletones

Heavenly Voices Choir

The McCrary Sisters

Disciples of Christ

The Hensley Ensemble

The Durdens

The Warrior Gospel Band

Barton Hills Choir

The Verve Pipe

School of Rock

Tim and the Space Cadets

Peter DiStefano & Tor

Grace London

Playdate

The Ohmies

The Q Brothers

Andy Z

Caspar Babypants – I have no idea who these people are, but with a name like that, they can go fuck themselves.

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Comments
2 Responses to “Jordan Canio’s Imperfect, but Essential Guide to Three Major Music Festivals”
  1. crankypants says:

    I like some of the bands you crossed out, but I hate the kind of people who like them/would be at a festival so I get it. Also 100% agree about Imagine Dragons, just having to type that was like fingernails on a chalkboard.

    • Jordan Canio says:

      haha, it’s all good. Different strokes for different folks. And yeah, I know it’s hard to come up with band names, but for fuck’s sake, “Imagine Dragons?” Not having it.

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