Stuff N Such’s Best and Worst Records of 2013

Well, that went by quickly. While 2013 wasn’t exactly the blur that 2012 was, it was still pretty entertaining in its own way. On the plus side, Queens of the Stone Age finally put out a new record, David Bowie emerged from self-imposed exile alive, well, and (even better) with kick ass new tunes, and Kanye showed that he’s still able to make people vivid with just a few words. On the negative side, “punk” in Nashville is more fucked than that Lostprophets singer once he goes to jail, Daft Punk are still popular for reasons I can’t begin to understand (but I’m going to chalk it up to the drugs that kids are doing nowadays…), and people are still being fooled into liking whatever rolls out of Thom Yorke’s arse. Gross.

Anyways, I’ll keep the chit-chat short cause I know most of you guys don’t read this opening paragraph. I’ve taken the liberty of adding samples to each album, because some of you cocksmokers won’t shut up about not being able to use Google or YouTube. Kids these days; you try to root for them everyone in a while, but then they give props to bands like Diarrhea Planet and/or One Direction. If you have any complaints, I implore you to write them down in the comments section so that I can ignore them. If that’s not enough for you, here’s my email. So without further introduction or ado, I unhumbly present to you Jordan Canio’s Best and Worst Records of 2013.

Best

…Like Clockwork – Queens of the Stone Age

The fact that this album made the list probably isn’t the least surprising. I’m biased, I know. It’s just nice that when a band I have extremely high expectations for delivers; it’s also very sad that that doesn’t happen a lot anymore. Josh Homme and co. have started a new chapter in the band’s already epic history and now, I can’t wait to read the next.

If I Had A Tail – Queen of the Stone Age

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Push the Sky Away – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

It’s official: we’ve reached the end of Nick Cave’s midlife crisis. And by midlife crisis, I mean where he decides to grow a mustache, take an electric guitar and go ape shit in various outlets like Grinderman or the Bad Seeds album before this one. As much as I dug those times, tunes, and albums, I can’t be sadden by the direction he’s taking now. The result of turning down the guitars is a hauntingly beautiful album that’s perfect for cloudy days and banging hookers. At 56, Nick Cave still fucking has it.

Jubilee Street – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

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Bass Drum of Death – Bass Drum of Death

When I first heard Bass Drum of Death’s debut, GB City, I was blown away; it had more catchy riffs than I knew what to do with. Despite the unfavorable odds of a potential sophomore slump, John Barrett managed to put out an even catchier record this time around. This isn’t a new trick from his sleeve as much as it’s a whole other sleeve. Make sense? Probably not. Just listen to the record and you’ll get what I mean.

I Wanna Be Forgotten – Bass Drum of Death

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The Next Day – David Bowie

Out of all the reunions/comebacks to come out of this year, Bowie had the best one. It’s a bit ironic, because he did it the opposite of what everyone else did. Instead of touring and playing a greatest hits kind of deal like The Rolling Stones or the Stone Roses (whom I both love), he recorded a new album in secret, put it out in an unexpected fashion, and didn’t play single note live. Eat your fucking heart out, Miley Cyrus; the dude who made it possible for you to exist is still proving that he is still ahead of the curve.

The Next Day – David Bowie

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Monomania – Deerhunter

Bradford Cox has always been talented at turning unfiltered noise into beautiful music. This album is no exception. Hell, the title track has an outro that goes on for almost 4 minutes and it doesn’t seem the least bit languorous. Another exceptional disc to an exceptional discography.

Pensacola – Deerhunter

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Crimes of Passion – Crocodiles

This time last year, Crocodiles were straying dangerously close to being permanently labeled one-trick ponies. Even though I did like their last record, I didn’t think they’d ever be able to top it. Then, they decide to flip me and other doubters on our heads and release an album that jumps the borderline between 80’s synth pop and shoegazing scream. Well played, dudes. Well played.

Me and My Machine Gun – Crocodiles

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Slave Vows – The Icarus Line

The last great punk band just put out on of their best albums, but like any truly great band that sticks to their roots, they’ve gotten snubbed for it. Aside from maybe two best of lists, it didn’t make much of an uproar. However, I believe we’ll look back at the Icarus Line in the way we look at the Stooges or the Birthday Party: a force to be reckoned with and most should be kicking themselves for not recognizing it sooner. Don’t be on the wrong side of history. Pick up this record.

Rat’s Ass – the Icarus Line

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Yeezus – Kanye West

While the Icarus Line are the last great punk band, the best punk record of the year definitely goes to Yeezy.

Black Skinhead – Kanye West

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Jams Vol. 1-3 – Penicillin Baby

pen

I know that some of these tunes have been out since last year, but since the last addition to this collection came out this year and all three volumes have recently been released as a bundle (oh, and let’s not forget that these tunes are absolutely KILLER), I’m gonna bend my own rules this once and throw this bitch on the list. Definitely some of the best songs to come out of Nashville in a minute. Drink the kool-aid.

Jean Jam – Penicillin Baby

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Hello Griefbirds! – The Shine Brothers

In terms of psych records, I think this one might be my favorite of the year. Yes, it doesn’t technically come out til next year, but because I’ve had it and been listening to it since July, I’m putting it on this year’s list. While the Black Angels stick towards the Roky Erickson style of psych, The Shine Brothers offer us a look at the other side of the spectrum in the same vein as Kaleidoscope and early Yardbirds.

Creation – The Shine Brothers

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The Light On EP – Bad Cop

Love them or hate them, with this band, the music always does the talking. Beyond the ballistic guitars, drums, howls and primal energy that makes them polarizing, it’s songs like the single “Light On” that show that Bad Cop really do have great songwriting chops and will probably stand the test of time more so than their overanalyzed antics.

Light On – Bad Cop

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AM – The Arctic Monkeys

Another band that refuses to slow down, Alex Turner’s wit and songwriting chops get sharper with each release. These limey Brits even rip off Black Sabbath on one song and they make it forgivable because the song is that good! In today’s mainstream circuit, it’s good to see a big rock n roll band that still knows how to properly rock n roll.

Arabella – The Arctic Monkeys

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Only God Forgives OST – Cliff Martinez

A LOT of people didn’t like this movie (I did, but that’s another story), but most agree that the soundtrack is impeccable. While Refn and Gosling navigate their way through a Western disguised as a neon acid trip, Cliff Martinez masterfully soundtracks the whole ordeal to sound like the funeral from hell.

Wanna Fight – Cliff Martinez

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S/T – Fuzz

Out of all the records Ty put out this year, my favorite is the one that sounds like an American version of Black Sabbath. I can dig.

Raise – Fuzz

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6 Feet Beneath the Moon – King Krule

This ginger kid completely caught me off guard this year. After seeing him pop all over television sets across America, I picked up his record and was further impressed. He’s a punk crooner with an occasional fondness for beats. That sounds like a recipe for a shit sandwich, but this red-head fucker is talented enough to craft something truly original. Mark my words: good things will come from this one.

The Lizard State – King Krule

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Melophobia – Cage the Elephant

“This band’s new album is much more mature” seemed to be a phrase that was thrown around in the music press more than Rihanna in Chris Brown’s car. However, considering that these dudes’ first album was full of music to drink and break bottles to, the fact that these crazy Kentuckians have put out with an album that sounds almost British and danceable (in a good way of course) has to be a sign of some maturity, right? Ok, maybe not entirely, but it still fucking rules.

Teeth – Cage the Elephant

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Hesitation Marks – Nine Inch Nails

In the 20+ years that NIN has been around, Trent Reznor STILL hasn’t covered much new ground lyrically (ex. “HEY, everything is not okay! We lost something along the way” are actual lyrics on this thing). But what he lacks in the lyrical department, he more than makes up for musically with atmospheric synths and beats that hypnotize you straight into the storm. Hopefully he quits his Sonny and Cher band How To Destroy Angels and concentrates on NIN more in the future.

Satellite – Nine Inch Nails

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Waking Up Is Hard To Do – Giant Drag

This record was bittersweet at the time, as it was announced as Giant Drag’s swan album. Following a tour in England, Annie Hardy has seemed to have a change of heart about bringing this pup to the vet to put it down. No telling what’s to come or how soon, but if the result is anything as resoundingly sweet as this record is, I think everything might be okay.

Won’t Come Around – Giant Drag

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Silence Yourself – Savages

These dudes….er…dudettes are way too pretentious for their own good, but regardlessly, they put out a solid record and I can’t fault them for that. I’d really like to (and as soon as they put out a bad one, you can bet your ass I’ll fucking let them have it), but for now, I can’t deny that this record is great. Don’t slip, ladies.

Husbands – Savages

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Wolf – Tyler the Creator

For the years that I’ve known about Tyler the Creator, I’ve been a bigger fan of his antics than his music. He’s got a sense of humor that’s polarizing as fuck, but I always get a kick out of the shit he does publicly. Since this is probably the first time I’ve been a fan of what he’s done musically, it can only go up from here, right?

Jamba (Feat. Hodgy Beats) – Tyler, the Creator

Worst

Modern Vampires of the City – Vampire Weekend

Rolling Stone and many other so-called “respectable” publications have named this the album of the year, which mostly just re-affirmed my already deep discontent for those rag magazines and the idea that they’d be more useful if printed on toilet paper. However, seeing how safe and non-threatening this record is, it makes sense; after hearing a song or two off this record, I’m convinced that the actual physical release had to come with some sort of self-neutering kit.

Diane Young – Vampire Weekend

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Soft Will – Smith Westerns

This one stings a bit because I really loved their last record and considered it to be one of the best of 2011. But even with the lingering sympathy I had for them, it’s unbelievable how boring this album is! I tried to get through it twice but fell asleep both times. Hey kids, slumps happen to the best of us, but you need to get back to the drawing board. STAT!

3am Spiritual – Smith Westerns

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The Lumineers – the Lumineers

Another mind-blowing record to be released this year. Not “mind-blowing” in the good sense, but mind-blowing in that I think a shotgun blast to the head would hurt my ears less than having to hear any more songs by these dipshits. For real, can we let this “let’s-clap-our-hands-and-play-banjo-together” trend die out already? It’s so bad, it’s starting to make me miss dubstep.

Ho Hey – the Lumineers

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Comedown Machine – The Strokes

I’m surprised these guys are still around. They made two good albums, but now that everyone’s finally caught on that they’re not as cool as they put on, they’ve lost A LOT of momentum. Funny how that works, eh? Anyways, this record continues to show me that the Strokes are so out of ideas, that they’ll rip off A-Ha’s “Take On Me.” Pass.

One Way Trigger – The Strokes

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The 20/20 Experience Parts 1 and 2 – Justin Timberlake

I’ll admit that I do have respect for JT. Really. He redeemed himself from that boy band shit by having a solid acting career and putting out commercial pop records that were more respectable than most of his other contemporaries. For that, he has my respect. However, this album is an absolute pile of shit. Commercial to the point that it rots your teeth and utterly uninspired from someone who is being deemed the new king of Pop (without the kiddie-touching, of course).

TKO – Justin Timberlake

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Reflektor – Arcade Fire

The best analogy I can give for this record is this: it’s like being at a party with a bunch of people you don’t like to talk to and the DJ keeps playing the same extended remixes over and over and over again. Even when the cocaine is gone, and the people have stopped dancing and left for other parties where shit music isn’t being played non-stop, it just goes on and on and on and on.

Reflektor – Arcade Fire

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High Rise – Stone Temple Pilots

This band sucked enough when that former-frat-boy-turned-junkie fuck up was in the band. If the two brothers thought they were doing quality control by kicking him out, then why did they add the dude from Linkin Park who always looks like he’s about to cry?

Out of Time – The Stone Temple Pilots

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Random Access Memories – Daft Punk

The music world got a collective boner when the ads for this record started popping up all over SNL. When it came out, everyone was treating it like it was the Second Coming and almost every positive music review I saw made it seem like they were dumbfounded that Daft Punk managed to use real musicians on the record. Real musicians playing real music is revolutionary? I guess the only way to be duped that this album is in any way “revolutionary” would be to eat as much molly as their fans do.

Get Lucky – Daft Punk

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Slow Focus – Fuck Buttons

Well, at least they got the name right. Seriously, this album begs the question “if an album sounds like uncomprehendable bullshit, will Pitchfork automatically claim it’s best new music?” I bet they do. I imagine this is what it feels like to be at a rave with dud drugs.

Hidden XS – Fuck Buttons

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Based on a True Story – Blake Shelton

Living in Nashville is what got me exposed to this shit. Self-proclaimed and proud rednecks make it too easy for me to hate them, and solidify that pop country is the worst shit ever. In fact, my buddy Michael Aurand made an entertaining bingo sheet that can be used when listening to pop country songs. Check it out HERE and try it out with one of these fucktard songs like this one.

I Still Got A Finger – Blake Shelton

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Magna Carta Holy Grail – Jay Z

Maybe saying this record is one of the worst of the year is a bit harsh. Then again, I couldn’t believe how underwhelming it was when I gave it my first listen. It’s safe to say now that Jay Z is now more of a brand than a rapper. Like in the old days, everything he touches sells a million copies, but unlike the old days, not everything he touches turns to gold. In layman’s terms, he’s way past it. Dude should have stayed retired after the Black Album.

Holy Grail – Jay Z

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The Marshall Mathers LP 2 – Eminem

Speaking of rappers that should have stayed retired, Eminem decided that he not only wanted to put out another record of uninspired bullshit, but that he also wanted to piggyback off the success of arguably his best work. For real though, I loved the original Marshall Mathers LP. In fact, it’s probably the only CD I can say I listened to when I was 11 that I’m not completely embarrassed of now. However, this is a low blow from Slim Shady that I just can’t tolerate. RETIRE.

Berzerk – Eminem

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Mechanical Bull – Kings of Leon

More bullshit from these inbred hicks who don’t know how to quit. NEXT!

Super Soaker – Kings of Leon

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Dear Bo Jackson – The Weeks

I’m surprised these carbon copies of Kings of Leon haven’t revealed themselves to be the jokes that they are yet. I thought the only reason that Serpents and Snakes signed them was because the Followills wanted to literally fuck themselves.

Brothers in the Night – The Weeks

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AMOK – Atoms for Peace

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ingenue – Atoms for Peace

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Days Are Gone – HAIM

This was better when it was marketed as Best Coast. If you want a good girl band, go listen to that Savages record instead.

Forever – HAIM

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Plastic Visions EP – Plastic Visions

Everything I’ve heard press-wise of these guys seems to emphasize that Brad Shultz (the guitarist of Cage the Elephant) is in the band. Meanwhile, all the actual music I’ve heard from this project sounds nothing short of terrible. Ignore the hype and buy the Cage album instead.

Kamikaze – Plastic Visions

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#willpower – will.i.am

Here’s the dilemma: you’ve been in one of the worst cringeworthy bands to ever grace the Top 40 Charts and you also have a niche for making an asshat of yourself in everything else you do. With all of that established, how else can you further embarrass yourself? Well, like the genius he thinks he is, Will.I.Am has figured it out: turn his already shitty album title into a hashtag. It’s not exactly the recognition he wants, but Will.I.Am has made himself into not only an example, but the beacon of “jive shit you don’t want to do if you’re a musician.”

#thatPOWER feat Justin Bieber – will.i.am

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Lightening Bolt – Pearl Jam

Another solid reminder that Nirvana is still better despite the fact that Kurt’s been dead for almost 20 years now. Give it up, Eddie.

Sirens – Pearl Jam

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Comments
2 Responses to “Stuff N Such’s Best and Worst Records of 2013”
  1. crankypants says:

    pssst that Lumineers album is from 2012!

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