Jordan Canio’s Incomplete and Imperfect Guide To Coachella 2014

If you missed it, the Coachella line up was announced two days ago and tickets are set to go on sale later today. While I really wanted to go last year (two Nick Cave bands, Spiritualized, Blur AND the Stone Roses were enough for me), this year’s line up is pretty underwhelming, even with the inclusion of Outkast. Plus, I’m not even the biggest fan of Beck, but whoever put him as a subheadliner to fucking Arcade Fire needs to be fired out of a fucking cannon. With that said, I know that not everyone clings to my advice like they should, but I figured it be helpful to those who go to know which bands to definitely see, which bands to skip, and which bands to throw water bottles full of piss with. To clarify, here’s a legend:

Bands in bold = see that shit

Bands in standard font (like this) = I don’t know, so it’s your ass

Bands with a strike through them = avoid like herpes

Bands with a strike and in bold = chuck water bottles full of piss at

And without further ado, here ya go:

Friday, April 11 and 18:

Outkast, the Knife, the Replacements, Broken Bells, Zedd, Girl Talk, Ellie Goulding, Chromeo, HAIM, Neko Case, AFI, Martin Garrix, Bonobo, Bryan Ferry, the Glitch Mob, the Afghan Whigs, the Cult, Bastille, Flume, Aloe Blacc, Jagwar Ma, A$AP Ferg, Grouplove, Woodkid, Carnage, Shlomo, Gareth Emery, Michael Brun, MS MR, Kate Nash, Hot Since 82, Damian Lazarus, GOAT, Nina Kraviz, Anthony Green, Duke Dumont, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Solomun, ZZ Ward, Anti-Flag, Caravan Palace, Flatbush Zombies, Deorro, Waxahatchee, Title Fight, Davide Squillace, DJ Falcon, Dum Dum Girls, Austra, Tom Odell, Dixon, Wye Oak, Crosses, Mako, the Preatures, the Bots, Gabba Gabba Heys

Saturday, April 12 and 19:

Muse, Queens of the Stone Age, Skrillex, Pharrell Williams, Lorde, Foster the People, Pet Shop Boys, MGMT, Empire of the Sun, Fatboy Slim, Nas, Kid Cudi, the Head and the Heart, Sleigh Bells, Cage the Elephant, City and Colour, CHVRCHES, Dillon Francis, Capital Cities, the Naked and Famous, Temples, Mogwai, Warpaint, Solange, Washed Out, Future Islands, Ty Segall, DARKSIDE, Banks, Tiga, Bombay Bicycle Club, Holy Ghost!, Netsky, RL Grime, Galantis, Foxygen, White Lies, Graveyard, the Internet, Laura Mvula, the Dismemberment Plan, Headhunterz, Blood Orange, GTA, TJR, Cajmere, Guy Gerber, Nicole Moudaber, MAKJ, Bear Hands, the Magician, Young & Sick, Unlocking the Truth, Saints of Valory, Carbon Airways, UZ, Syd Arthur, Bicep, Drowners

Sunday, April 13 and 20:

Arcade Fire, Beck, Calvin Harris, Neutral Milk Hotel, Disclosure, Lana Del Rey, Motorhead (side note: if it’s between anyone else and Motorhead, always choose Motorhead), Alesso, Duck Sauce (side note: I’ve never heard a note from this band, but they named themselves duck sauce so they can fuck off), Little Dragon, Beady Eye, Flosstradamus, the Toy Dolls, the 1975, Adventure Club, Big Gigantic, Chance the Rapper, Laurent Garnier, Krewella, Rudimental, STRFKR, Fishbone, Trombone Shorty, AlunaGeorge, Art Department, Flight Facilities, Frank Turner, John Newman, Maceo Plex, Superchunk, Bombino, Daughter, Bad Manners, Surfer Blood, Lee Burridge, Poolside, Classixx, Showtek, James Vincent McMorrow, Bo Ningen, Aeroplane, Ratking, Jhene Aiko, J. Roddy Walston and the Business, Factory Floor, Preservation Hall Jazz Band, Anna Lunoe, the Martinez Brothers, Scuba, John Beaver

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